BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.