[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
the simulation is moving too fast
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.