I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.