PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me