ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The USS B port
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?