40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind