My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
guilty
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
the red hot silly peppers
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.