Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Okay, I’m still confused…
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”