Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED