From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]