My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.