I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones