My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I am never leaving this website
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌