*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.