just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?