Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Every haunted house movie:
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.