before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.