[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.