PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
constantly working on myself.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid