When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Sponch
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler