Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.