Haha! 😂
You Might Also Like
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Adultry does not sound fun at all
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.