During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no