horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Hey buddy, if you didn鈥檛 want me napping in your pet store you shouldn鈥檛 have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
me: I鈥檓 working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what鈥檚 it called
me: Actually Love
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don鈥檛 read it fast enough
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can鈥檛 come
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
you can tell it鈥檚 bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
sometimes, late at night, i鈥檒l look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.