One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.