I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them