Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My whole life was a lie.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round