I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
❤️🦆
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*