My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
this came to me in a vision
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.