There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
groan^2
favorite tropes as memes
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know