Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?