actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Well, this certainly took a turn
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.