Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You Might Also Like
worst…sale…ever
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.