starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,