I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.