this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”