me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*ernest hemingway voice*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
What the dentist sees