Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.