[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny