Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You Might Also Like
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
his wife is probably gonna see that
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.