How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
LMAO.