holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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Woke up against my better judgement again
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
good morning
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.