The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
You Might Also Like
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man