Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
WTF
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
i want to work in this restaurant
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.