“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]