Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
You Might Also Like
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)