OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I bet
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.