[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
A French press is when you hug naked
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Thank you corporation very cool
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.