Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.