Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Running your mouth is not cardio.